Another life confession

Sometimes , I’m wondering if I’m as good as I thought I would be.
When I’m small , I always thought I like to grow up to be a social worker. Then , as I grow up, money seems a big matter to me so I gave up to be a social worker.
Now, when I can only get a RM30000 worth study loan from government to support my RM37000 studies, money is everything to me(not including self-support short term studies and accommodation + misc fees). I get stingy , even to myself.
Except my friend *Elle, nobody knows about my stingy diet. Everyday , I would have two slices of bread + two packets of biscuits as breakfast, a rice with vegetables as lunch and two slices of bread + two packets of biscuits as dinner. It’s because I don’t want to burden my family as my younger twin sister is studying university too. It’s just that she is much more clever than me and enters a known university studying her favorite language, Japanese.
Actually, I’m not writing to pity myself. It’s about Elle. Sometimes, I get very crossed with her due to my stingy personality. How? During secondary days, we would go out with our friends and chill at fast food joints. Being only a secondary student, we(me & my twin sister) don’t have much pocket money to spend so we would save some of the money to buy some fries or wedges. Elle is the poorest among us all but we never look down on her for that. It just that me and my sister would share money to buy a packet of fries and sometimes she ask for a helping. One or two is okay for us but once she have asked, she will continue to help herself to the last one. It’s very irritating because we only have enough money to buy one packet and three person are sharing it. Whenever we go out with her, we will eat quickly so that she won’t grab it all. And now that I’m going to the same university with her and we are pretty much alone (skin color differences) so we’ll help each other whenever we can. One fated day, her handbag got snatched and I’m very pitiful of her. The very same day, we ask for permission to go back home because she needs to renew every cards that got stolen. Since she have no money, I lend her some. RM2 for reporting at the police, 0.80 cent for bus fare to the main bus station and RM3.50 for return home bus fare. But that’s for returning to our hometown’s bus station. While waiting for my mom to come and fetch us, we got for some shopping. Elle borrow some money from me to buy something(I’ve forgotten what is it) and I have also buy some snacks for myself. After all these buying, I have only RM4 left in my wallet. When my mom still haven’t show up, we went to kill some time in another supermarket. Elle saw the packet of creamer I’ve bought in the supermarket previously and decided to buy it. She ask to borrow from me….AGAIN . After lending her the Rm1.30, I still have RM2.70 left.
I call my mom once more to ask if she’s coming now but it turns out that she is busy and she ask me to take a cab. I’m close to tears because I don’t have enough money to take a cab. Helplessly, I just end the call with an ‘Okay’. Luckily, we spot a bus going into our neighborhood. Again, it’s me who is paying. Of course, who else can pay for it? I’m not putting all the blames on her but never once does she inquiries about the balance of my money. After paying for our fare, I have no more money left except for some shillings.
After two days , when we have to take the bus to our university , Elle ask if my mom is driving us to the bus station or we have to take the bus out to the bus station. At that moment, my selfish self exploded. “Why do I have to endure hardship with you? I can simply ask my sister to take me out by motorbike . Why must I take a bus?” I lash out angrily. And now, another event which disturbs me so much that I’m writing it down is we are suppose to print out notes from our university’s webpage and because it is not a small number, Elle suggested we share money to buy a cartridge so we can print it in MY home , in MY paper. Again , my selfish self stands out. “Why must I take out money to buy one if I already own one in my home?”

I’m too selfish but I can’t help it as I’m also cash-strapped myself.

[I always believe that all people are selfish but that doesn’t means that they are selfish 24/7]